Unplayed Plan, Unplanned Play

- an interesting story of one college boy also known as "bible boy" and known to self as "The college liar" "you must go over people's head to get stuff done, but the outcome is up to you." that's what my horoscope read. i always knew horoscopes are real. and are on my side, so hey, i might probably believe it... I must fuck with other people's mind to get things done, and this must mean that now may be the right time to post my blog that might get to someone. i remember this blog from a girl i knew. She said something about Jupiter's way of revenge. she mentioned a phrase "Whom Jupiter would destroy he first makes mad". I want to bring the storm down her MIND! na, just kidding. So here it is: 2 sem years of waiting, 3 months of anticipation, and it all ended with the most stupid, one of the lamest apology, a broken smile, and one of the worst look i ever received in my life. i know its too late, but 'it's better late than never,' so as my favorite 'motto' goes. I have been using this as a simple excuse for myself since elementary school. I should have done this earlier, as i planned, somewhere during summer and near June before the start of class, but i thought i had to give "extension" to see if i can reconsider and think things again. So i moved the said 'deadline' to September before her birthday, but things became worse and is becoming worse. And now, just before i completely lose myself restraining to write this. So who am i..? I'm spiderma.. oops, wrong story. It all started in my first years in college: Her name is MJ. (nope, not for Mary Jane) "Bright Yellow Shirt"

I first noticed her sitting on the corridor window in front of my classroom, where i was about to go to class. She was wearing a plain yellow shirt and a pair of blue jeans. I glanced at her, she looked at me. At first i didn't really notice her even though i thought she was a foreigner because she had large bulgy eyes, short brunette hair, and was kind of plump. I thought she was older because of her over sized bag she was carrying which were usually carried around by old people, like grandmas. i stared back at her again. She looked half confident yet half worried about something, and then i moved on getting to the room until i noticed that the door was locked, so i went to the other door to check if it isn't, but it is. At last, i finally realized there's no class, so i thought "so that should explain why this foreigner looking girl is sitting on the porches' window outside of class."

I finally i gained confidence to ask her if there really was no class that day, cause i had no other choice after getting embarrassed while she was watching me open the locked door. From what i can remember is that she answered back a 'no', but before she said that 'no' is a long speech in English. which i wasn't really listening to, but not because i might have a nose bleed from not practicing my English lectures back in grade school, but because while she was speaking, was then that i noticed her pearl white skin, pink lips, sharp nose, round bulging eyes, and those shiny pair of cheeks. That moment, I thought she was charming and pretty, "and maybe i will like this British-Spanish-Irish-looking-English-speaking girl." I asked again, "ah, so walang class?" she said "uh... no, walang class" in a direct Filipino tongue, which amused me after thinking that she's a 'society' type, like how my grandpa always tease us, or 'conio' type who doesn't like to, isn't used to, or wasn't taught to speak in Filipino, then she smiled.

The next day, i anticipated her attendance in class, but i cannot remember now if she was present or not. I can only remember i was distracted by the equipments that really looked untidy, and there were many unfamiliar new faces in the room of course, but i still anticipated her presence in class for the whole week. The following week came, and i began glancing at her intentionally. i thought she's really charming while my other classmates pry on to her. She was just discreet, and she seldom speaks and was only answering back questions from seemingly interested "local" people like me. I thought she's cute. Past the 2nd week, and i was still uncomfortable with her in my own seat and i was getting bored. There were no other gorgeous girl to look at as charming as she is aside from this cute japanese girl who's indescribable, was taller than me, and was even more quiet. One friend i knew from summer workshop spotted me looking at her and advised me to go make a move as soon as possible and ask for her number, but i'm not as confident as him, so i didn't take his advice seriously. 

"The Glorious Wait:"

Days came and I still can't keep from looking at that jewish-or-irish-looking girl so i decided to switch seats to the back of the room were there were guys with long hair and weird hairstyles. I asked my self, "could this mean that being a fine art student in UP, you must at least look weird?" In the past few days of class these guys were just quiet, until they started throwing lame jokes while the whole class were solemnly waiting for the professor, but i often smirked and looked by how their jokes were sometimes really lame and just not funny at all. They kept making loud noises and corny jokes in class that is quite untimely, but the class was really bored that all their hard attempts to make the class laugh were futile and even started to annoy some. I was just slightly irritated by the noise they make. I didn't know if they were doing it on purpose or if it was just their nature. But there was this one guy with a really long, straight and shiny hair who's jokes were funny and slightly selling. Although often time its still out of timing, aside from me, there were a bunch of people laughing at this dupe's jokes that convinced me enough to switch seats there after few days, where the girl can't see me looking at her...

first day of 2nd month came, and the class was getting a little bit noisy now, even when some professors are around. And the girl, i didn't expect, was being comfortable with her seatmates, and appeared to be very sociable, and was getting more talkative, quietly though, and i - I didn't expect- was getting slightly more uncomfortable because i can't stop glancing at her. The class often become quiet when there's nothing to do. I noticed some girls are too nosey with every bit of noise from the crowd, acting like predators with prying eyes waiting for something to happen. The only people they don't care about or respond to are the long haired guys, whos jokes were getting far fetched and wasn't intended for the whole class anymore. That time, i hoped she'd be picked by a mad professor to be transferred seats with one of my noisy seatmates.

2nd month was about to end and there i was, contented just glancing at her while doing my plates. she probably didn't even know i was looking at her... One instance while looking at her, she looked back and smiled at me.. i didn't expect that, that i actually got stoned from my seat. I didn't know yet what to do to my surprise, so i looked back to my other side to project that i thought she was smiling at her friend who must be beside me. It was a clever move, i thought, but i knew that she already knew, and that i looked stupid there. I was telling myself i should have simply given her back a smile, but it was too late.

days after the 2nd month and i thought maybe i should just let it slip away, or maybe my friend is right. Maybe i should approach this girl. Then if I'd approach her it should be smooth and simple to not make any attraction in class, though attraction is good. the only problem is that i haven't done that before, but i told myself i should try it anyway. 2nd week of third month came, and i was still thinking about how to talk to her. Sometimes, i luckily ran out of seat and was forced to move nearer and was finally able to talk to her, but only when saying thanks after asking for sheets of paper, borrowing erasers, or asking for pens. It was a very old-school move, and it wasn't what i was expecting of myself being already in college, but i got no paper that time so i got lucky cause i didn't have any other choice.

fast forwarding events... few months later, after getting nearer every week, i got luckily grouped with her by my favorite professor. i can't believe I was happy. From there i started to befriend her...or the other way around.. i often become really unprepared when i'm talking to her, which i've been like to girls i like since high school, so I tried hard not to show that, and it was a success. I think at least, but we still started to become friends.

September. I wished she'd call me on phone, but i thought that was too much. After 2 weeks of being with her along with her friends, I felt something would come to me. And even though i tried to refrain attaching myself emotionally to her even before i started to spend time with her. i didn't expect that I can't stop liking her that fast. And i can't refrain from liking her not as 'this girl' anymore, but as herself as who she is as how i see her. i thought, "this is bad," and It was very uncomfortable for me to be with her and her group of friends, while not being able to tell her about it. I can't tell her what i think i feel yet, because i told myself i have to be sure, so I'll give time for myself so i can be sure. Time was painful for the passing days that followed. Then i thought I understood those cheesy poems in high school and why they kept on repeating on the school papers. I just told myself, ewe for being cheesy.

"Curving lines"

After more time with her. my head cannot cooperate with my hands for the plates i was doing anymore. I was planning to do a straight line but the end of the lines always turn to a slight curve.

I don't have any other options so i tried to brighten up and resorted on asking a girl friend who was my seat mate and who's 5 years older than me on what she thinks i should do best. She's really nice, and i thought she's a 9 out of 10 even if she's older than me. She advised me to tell the girl right away. I thought "lol!, wtf?, oh man!" do i really look like a rubbish varsity soccer player in my pink shirt or what?! but i thanked her for the advice.

I gained more confidence in my decision, though, with that advice coming from her. October was about to end and i was silently struggling in frustration whenever i see her. I told myself I should have just let it slip away, but i thought I've gone far enough and had enough uncomfortable situations to make things just disappear. So it would be the best option to share with her the "misfortune". I just had to wait for the right time... During that time, hours seemed short when i'm with her, and it seemed long when i wasn't.

More and more days came, until one day my hands can't cooperate with my head. I tried to get up and tell her, but i got distracted. Something came up in class that i can't remember. So I refrained... The next day even my feet can't settle down and i can't concentrate on my plates anymore. i tried to get up my seat, but then realized i didn't really know what to do so in the end, i postponed. Finally, after one more day both my hands, feet and even my head can't think of any idea for the plate i was doing so i got up my seat. I approached her and sat beside her. she looked at me and said "hey" i said "hi". i asked if she's busy. she said she's not that busy then she asked me why. Then i remembered the whole 2 hours period i wasn't able to speak aside from a consistent "umm.." until i thought of writing it down.

I tapped her shoulders then showed her a message i can't forget because my writing looked like my previous pet dog's handwriting. I wrote down i was gonna tell her something, then i waited for an hour because the professor coincidentally went back in the room, and the whole class turned silent again until all my guts disappeared and i decided to tell her the next day. After class, she called me to her seat and gave me her number and asked me to call her.

It made me relax a bit putting into account that she didn't make any violent reaction to that. I can't remember who called who but that night we talked on the phone, and you guess what? i didn't tell her. I decided that i wanted to tell her personally that i like her. If it is the right time then this should be my first time to tell a girl personally that i like her. I started to know her more as we talked on phone. She sounded just like a simple girl that i didn't expect, who has an older sister and a younger brother, until she told me about a secret about a friend we knew both. That same guy who's also my friend, whom i knew from summer workshop, that gave me an advice to court her A.S.A.P. She rejected him. Although i think this guy looked nice and was more good looking than i am, she turned him down for a prudent reason when he courted her, the guy was one time popular for being called a pervert by the japanese girl during first semester for a hint though (peace) which greatly amused me even more. She gained my respect even more, and I admired what she did even though its not really a very big deal, probably because of my pasts knowledge of girls. It made me further want to tell her personally what i felt.

The next day came, and even walking outside the college slightly stresses me. The moment i saw her, i smiled, but i don't know how the frog i did that. I was even able to calm myself down.I sat at my seat at the back. And after sometime, got up and sat at the back of her seat until lunch. Then i switched beside her and asked her if we can talk outside. She agreed. We walked towards the nearest store, slowly. Then, I finally opened my mouth and told her. But i was really a twat that the first thing i said was "i like someone in class," and when she asked who it was, i told her she's beside me. She showed a small grin, and when i asked her why she said, "medyo, kinilig ako," I even asked her for a second time, making sure i heard her right, and she answered the same, but that time I didn't know if the face turns red, pink or white when someone blushes, but i thought it was good.

Finally, I'm done, and i was able to tell her. After that cavalry, we agreed in the end not to tell anyone, not to be distant, and still remain friends.

As days passed we were first a little distant. Then we were at ease with each other again. I always put an eye on her, escort her on her way home whenever we're together, but put distance when she goes with her friends to lunch. Because she might have enough of me. then one day while we were walking on our way home after our other friends left, she asked me to switch on another route. Then she asked me when i will start to court her. I thought, 'haven't i already told her what i feel? and is she some kind of blind?" then i was stunned. Finally, i realized she probably might have been waiting for an official statement, and i haven't really told her that I'm gonna court her, like there's no official statement yet in a jury. I told her i will think about it because i have to be sure of what i feel so no one would be hurt. She understood and added that she only told me this because "there were two other guys who were courting her, one was her friend, and it would help her decide if i tell her that I'll be courting her"

It made me confident, and happy yet worried. I didn't know which to feel. I'm still not sure what i wanted, but i have to remove her worries if I'm giving her... The next day there were no classes. I can't escape thinking about her every moment. at the end of the day i thought maybe risking is good and is a part of courting. Then maybe risk is what I'll do if two weeks passed and i still can't decide, but then...

the next day i while i was walking at the corridor i saw her. I brightened up, until i noticed she was sitting beside a guy who was one of our classmates who she told me she didn't really like. She mentioned this English-speaking-i-think-trying-hard-to-be-a-geek-nerd guy when we talked on phone, that she thought he was cute, but she said he was liked by her other friend and looked like a player. 

i saw them laughing and having a great time. I can't remember what exactly i felt that time. i think i didn't feel anything. I didn't know what to think that time so i just went in the classroom like nothing happened. Worse, there's no professor yet so i just sat there the whole time thinking what i should do. There was so many things that came up my mind to the extent that i thought maybe she forgot about me, maybe she's making me jealous, or maybe she even lost her interest that made me more furious that i even thought I should just let her be happy with him, but that would also hurt so in the end i just thought i should just not mind them. I got up my seat to buy food to lessen my stress. I went out of the room straight to the store while not looking at them. And when i came back i was munching my bun like how a fat loser would do it, then i accidentally looked to them still sitting there, and she called me, "hi king". FUCK is all i can say to myself. I didn't know how to react that time so i just said "hi" and went in the room like nothing ever happened.

after that another week passed and i wasn't able to talk to her until the semester break came. I was thinking, "what a knock-out," "I've been played by a plumpy foreigner-looking girl" on the second thought "maybe i've been robbed by that geek-looking playboy" so i went back to my first thought which would hurt less. lol. And if I've been played by that girl, then he would probably have a hard time fooling her. I thought maybe this is the price i pay for the girls that cried because of me during high school. That semester break i refused all invitations from my friends. It was probably the loneliest semester break i had, not because i can't distract myself with the games i was playing. I didn't want to that time. Then one early Friday evening, i was trying to rest in my room, which I rarely do anymore, when my sister downstairs called me and said a girl was looking for me on the phone. I asked who the girl was. She said she didn't know but the girl was English speaking. I went "who the hell? then, what the..". When i was about to call her the phone rang, and wouldn't you know. I answered the phone. Although i didn't know yet what to do, the first thing I did was ask her if she had any problems, though i had a thought that the red-shirted geek-looking guy is the "culprit". I was right, but i didn't expected that to happen. We talked. I was like a cushion bag that time, but It was just okay for me thinking that this could be the punishment for my past crimes. That aside, I felt relieved hearing her again, though only just solely as a friend.

I put to my self that from that point i will be 'slightly' her guardian, like what happens to guys who have been rejected, though she haven't officially rejected me because she said that i haven't courted her yet. That semester break we often chat online at night. And whenever she tells me to call her, i call her, like a good pet, i was. we talked on phone like we both don't have anything else to do, sometimes even bother her best friend through a three way call.

"The Lantern Parade"

More weeks came, and as time goes by i thought i was falling to liking her again, which i knew i might. maybe because there were no other beautiful girls around, lol, that I've been with aside from her for the past months. I tried to endure falling to like her, but i wasn't as strong as i thought, and that weakness showed one December night during the preparation for Lantern Parade, a university event, which i am not really sure how it started or what its real main purpose of -If it is celebrated for being the time for colleges to "unite through arts and creativity", or for being a symbol of the star during Christ's birth, or just to have something before vacation like other school does. maybe the last one.

Then i suddenly thought why i was missing her. i thought maybe i still felt like I've been dumped without even courting her. And i haven't yet felt being rejected. I was quietly sitting on the floor doing my work, which was a random design, while hoping she'd come around in the room, this time i wasn't looking for pretty girls like i always do. She was with her other friends working at a distant corridor, and i was like a fool waiting for her to come around and sit beside us and maybe talk to me, or maybe somewhat praise my work. lol. I was making my self busy looking out for her friend beside me who kept on telling me she's getting tired, until suddenly, She did came. She sat beside her friend near me, but after a few moments, the noisy guys at the back stupidly played a loud rock music and randomly started to slam their bodies imitating their favorite rockstar effin idols like 5-year-old kids. We stopped for a moment while the two were watching them, then continued, until she finally decided to go back. Making her stay doesn't happen that long anymore, i muttered in thought. I was sitting with one of her closest friends. I somehow sensed she was just staying beside me as a favor for Her, but i didn't want to give bad thoughts for her good companionship, until she suddenly told me that i was always there during her bad times, and it's time for her to accompany me. I was staring at her, then suddenly, i brightened up. But then, finally still missed the girl...

I was there working my project while looking at my other classmates laughing. i suddenly thought if only i chose to befriend these unfamiliar faces like what i usually do than to lock my world for a special friend, then i wouldn't have felt lonely that time. evening was coming. i still can't finish my work. i am running out of ideas. i didn't wanted to finish my work.

i just can't forget everything like i usually do. I was looking at my cellphone messages then suddenly, i thought, one kiss. "Maybe one kiss, though it sounds foolish, then maybe i can forget everything and put everything in 'closure'..."

But aside from sounding stupid, it also sounded almost impossible because I felt really worned out that time after two days of not sleeping and going to and from school and house which made it harder. i felt more tired while looking at my friend beside me getting tired herself. i can't even think of anything to get a strength from, even just temporarily -to gain my confidence back... I just felt really weak and I even became afraid that though i don't become one of the cranky, grumpy or even gay people, then I'd become a weak coward loser if i don't do anything that moment.

I thought constructively what people do when they feel really weak, then i asked my friend if she ate already, which i do not actually and usually do. She said she's not hungry, but tired. but she was even still willing to go with me. In the end, she accompanied me to the store, then we bought food.

We went back, and I still felt tired, but i didn't want to sleep. i wanted to be prepared the moment I'm gonna talk to her. I wanted to close everything before i even start my project, which is a human-sized mask, but i wasn't able to do anything until its base is already standing. And i only have 2 days left. I started late as usual after resting the 2nd day and going out with my high school friend, who insisted to invite me to our high school concert, the third day. 

i kept looking at my watch every hour waiting for something: myself, an appropriate time, or maybe for her to transfer back to our place. Until it's six, i said it's now or never, then stood up and went to her place. I saw her resting while talking with some classmates. She seemed to be finished with her work. i thought it was a good time. I sat down with them, then i tried to thicken my face to the crunchiest I ever did, but i got confused with their conversation, and suddenly wasn't able find a good moment. I finally thought maybe this is not the best idea after all, so i stood up then left them. While walking back, i suddenly thought i might not have any other chance to close everything, so I turned and went back. i took out my phone, and simply asked her if we could go out for a while by writing it in the phone. She asked why. I thought to soften the approach and told her that i just wanted to talk. But i quickly had a second thought that she might get more shocked and it might create a greater commotion if I'd tell that in front of her so I wrote down on my phone "pwede ba kitang yakapin?" Yeah i know. She stared at the phone looking seriously, probably stunned, at my message for a long time, then stood up and told me to go outside wit her. It was the first time i gulped my own saliva in mixed emotion -one of it is nervousness. There were few busy people from afar while we walked out of the corridor. We asked one another where to settle. I was following her until we reached the dimmed parking area, then she stopped. I also stopped.

My hands were slightly shaking. I was still thinking of what i just did, what to do, and what she could be thinking that moment. I thought i really was nervous, but at the same time i was also admiring her reaction to what i just did. She looked at me. i also looked at her in the eyes, then switched down to the ground. I asked her if we could move to the nearest building where there were no other students around. It was well lighted and had an open view in case she'd think that I'll take advantage of her.

She insisted we stayed in place... Then she looked straight at me. I can't think of anything else to say, so i just asked her if i can hug her, which i could hardly say even bluntly.

"Uh, Justine," "Yes, King?" "I uh.." "..." "Can I.." "..." "Can I uh.. (Oh, shit..)" "Can I..?" "Ok.." "Ok?" "yes" "uh... sure?" (stupidly) "Yes?" (smiling, which looked sarcastic for being annoyed) "yes?" (more stupid) "Yes" "What yes?" (most stupid)

"..." i forgot what she said next I can't think of anything else to say or do so I just embraced her quickly. Slightly scared of her look, i just told my self that she might even get 'madder' if I wasted her time for nothing. I hugged her like i was gonna die the next day. She embraced me, then gave me a pat in the back like what she always does with our other friends.

I felt stupid, yet it was the first time i felt comfortable during the 8 months in this school. I even ignored the fact that someone else i know might see me hugging this girl in public, who I knew for just months. That moment i thought i was sure. if she couldn't be my girlfriend then probably, she's the best girl friend i ever had that i once met in my college years. But then... she took my hands, then she sat down slightly pulling mine. i followed. Her face turned serious again. then she said, "Uh, King?". i answered "Oi?.." "We're friends, right?" "..." I had a feeling i know what she was going to say. "We're friends, right?" "Uh, yeah?" "uffcourse... Why..?" "i mean we're really good friends" I wanted to cut what she was about to say by telling her the reason why i hugged her, but that wouldn't help much, and after what i just did, i thought and felt that what she's feels is more important that moment no matter what, so i let her continue with the turn-down speech, thinking it shouldn't affect me anymore anyway.. "Yeah?" "Yeah.. We're good friends," "Uh huh.." "and i like you..." "...as a friend?" I offered to continue. "I really really like you... but only as a friend" she was rigid, not allowing any interference, which i thought was admiring, but at the same time painful. It wasn't really what i'm expecting she'll unfold. I tried to interrupt, "Uh, Justine..." I wanted to say, "No prob. You can stop now. Don't worry I won't talk to you anymore" but i wasn't sure if that is possible.

"Yes, King?"

I was thinking of something to say just to make her stop while she was looking at me, which got me distracted. She looked at me, and through her look, i thought i was looking at a little girl. With that look I thought i was looking at a cute little girl waiting for her dad's approval to buy her candy. I really don't know exactly why i was distracted by that but I just said,

"Wala, wala... Anu yung?" "Ano yun..?" "Wala. Ano uli un..?" "Ok... What I meant is that I really, really like our friendship the way it is..." she continued.

My mind went in a rush and i wanted to say "Wow, really?" or, " I think already really really know that" in her face, but the truth is i didn't. That was the first time anyone said those to me, and i didn't know what she really meant or what she was trying to say... "...and I don't want that to just go away." or something like that... That time i felt peeved. I thought of saying "Don't worry because i'd like it to end now," but chose between "Ok. I will remember that", and just "Thanks." and finally made a second thought of halting as i didn't know what to say yet. I was suddenly moved by those last words, and I don't know if i should be glad or annoyed hearing that. But I just wasn't sure of it, or probably I just didn't want to believe that she was sincere...

"Ok..."

It's the only safest word i thought was left for me to say.

"The Broken Chain" Our "conference" ended with us asking each other's work progress which she initiated after she refused to be accompanied to the near store to buy food. Unfortunately, my work was only at its fifty percent that time and i wasn't able to totally lie about it, which gave her enough reason to convince me that i should go back for it. (She's really good at warding people off, compared to me at least.) But that time she wasn't as convincing as she usually sound, but still, i was persuaded. I walked back towards our classroom, while she stayed there... I thought she was probably watching over my shoulders.. but i looked back.. and i saw her head down her hands...

I didn't know what to think back then. Whether i'll get back and comfort her, or leave and let her alone. I chose the latter and went to go back to the room... When I entered the room, the first person i saw was my girl friend who happily greeted me, she was apparently having a great time, The kind of happiness that you would not want to ruin, so i just said 'hi' and smiled, which suddenly made me feel the urge to be comforted. I felt weak, but i didn't want to tell anyone about what just happened, at least yet. I intended not to. What i wanted to know was what I've just done. Everything. What happened back there, and what i should have done, and no one among them knows anything about it. 'Everything was up to me now' i thought. It should be. It's what i've always wanted.

As I picked up the rubber foam of my mask project and started to continue building my mask. I felt a pint of strong emotion tapping me. Like it was telling me, 'Hey, Why are you doing this? Are you a nut crack (that you let this happen to you)? And to my surprise, my hands didn't want to move an inch while in the middle of doing my mask. Then I felt a pint of anger build up inside me like my subconscious thought told me "Hi, you have just been rejected by a girl who said that you haven't even courted her, and you take this like nothing happened?"

The last thing i know i was in a rage. A silent rage inside my head... Next thing you know some music, which happened to be an anguish song from a seemingly unpopular band played by my autistic-like-incognito-classmate, at my back started playing loudly like it was backing up my madness and making me more furious. As to why i am furious is the only begging question left that's holding me down under my control. it was all fucked up i thought.

[the song:]

	My Chemical Romance - Helena .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

As i walked back, with mixed emotions and likely, with doubts of her words, I kept reflecting on what just happened while trying to think about what I should have said and done just the minute that passed. I suddenly, caught myself breathing deep and heavily. I was breathing hard, just like a nerd with asthma, and i can't stop. I didn't have asthma, so it was really puzzling that moment why it was happening to me that time. When it finally came to me that i was hyperventilating, I thought i was going to have a heart attack. I started to panic, and the more i do the deeper my breathe takes so I hanged my hands on the wall slightly pushing it then i focused on making it stop until i calmed down. Well, Lucky for me it was just a false alarm. I managed to calm myself. yes.

After this I just stood there for a minute, my mind slightly numb. The first thing that came to my mind was why I did let myself be this vulnerable? the second thing was why did i let these things happen? and the third thing that went on my mind was my immediate priority as my 'dad' always says, so i went on inside the room, took my rubber foam and headed straight for my work. I thought about her thinking why, just why.

I was such a dork for letting my emotion fall for this when I know she was outside there with her hands down her head...

2 hours before the major event started... i was finally able to finish my work. The class was called to form a line to prepare for the parade. Still feeling exhausted, I got up the floor, geared up my mask, and headed for the line. On the open doors, while I was scanning the area looking for her in the line, I noticed almost every student were also worned out, and i coudn't see any glimpse of her because of the tall masks blocking the area so I decided to give up on looking for her and find the end of my section's line, and i found her. That time I hoped that nothing will get out of hand, and so fairly, nothing went too much wrong aside that at the start of the parade she seemed to keep her distant from me so I kept my distant too. But aside from that, everything went slightly smooth sailing for me, thanks to being professional about it.

After that event, December break started. I thought vacation would let her memories go, but all i kept thinking was about her. I felt distressed. I thought I shouldn't have left her alone. I tried diverting my attention to some games and my friends invitation to my former school's christmas celebration, but they just kept on coming back. All the memories were kept fresh in my head. I just felt quite restless that i can't enjoy my stupid christmas that seemed so long, so i tried watching an anime, which i thought was cheesy and also made me remember about my high school jack-ass friend making me feel better about myself, but i didn't expect to get hooked-up because it made me forget about her even just for a while, and so I made it to a point that the next time i see her, i will know what to do next...

December break ended and the few days left seemed very short. I wasn't able to come up with a plan to talk with her where no one else will be bothered, and there were only few days left. Luckily, her friends were so full about their vacation and assignments that they all seemed "impregnable." The whole remaining days of that semester our talk was reduced to a mere "hi," "hello," and schoolwork conversation until the end of the school year finally started.

10 months later, summer came and i was able to forget about her for a while, having been busy with my studies. I told myself i will make her my inspiration to pass the subjects with flying colors, lol. But as time passed by, and as my father suggested, i should make myself my own inspiration -and so I did. Lucky for me the subjects were also easy, and i only had to attend two subjects that made it a lot more easier. a school year after, I was already second year, and both of us were assigned to different sections. We didn't meet often, but it was okay for me so both of us can divert our attention solely to our studies. But the Bartlett Hall isn't so big and whenever we see each other, we act like we were doing something else or we just didn't see one another... these went on until the end of second year.

when summer came, I had to take two subjects that i slacked in class appearance, which gave me two hard headed axes that made me decide to get serious with my studies because I had no more time left to be nimbling around with things out of priority, but as third year came..

"Unplanned Play, Unplayed Plan" 2 Years Later... As third year was about to start, I told myself that "this is gonna be a brand new year for me." I prepared myself for anything that can distract me from my studies, even the lame jokes. While summer was nearing end, I kept thinking whether i'll just leave everything behind, or use it as a new start, but as the school year was nearing i became more unconfident with myself. I tried looking up the distribution of classes to see if i'll be put in the same class as she is so it would be much easier to approach her, but there was no such type of information on the college's website. So I kept thinking until the registration day. When assessment started, i first observed around the environment, there wasn't much change like the year before, but there was a lot of improvement around the college specially among the students. I was thinking whether to just leave everything behind. During the advising, the professor asked me what classes i wanted to take. I requested for the class sheets and saw that we would be in the same class in one professor I planned for. While looking at the class sheets I finally requested to be transferred to another section, but unfortunately, destiny didn't allow me to do things my way as all the other sections were already full -because i came late. So on the first day of class, I scanned every room to see if it was the 'right' class. While i was doing this, i also hoped that the class we get in would have a strict, terror, professor so we wouldn't have any awkward moments. Unfortunately this didn't also happen. The moment I saw her and her friends, I already felt the aura of awkwardness in the room, or maybe it was just me, so i decided to jump in and sit behind her, while moving, they greeted me, so i greeted back casually. What's more the professor that was assigned to us was a new, and i thought, is slightly nervous, young looking guy. He looked like he was just a senior from the students' point of view, I could say. The good thing i remarked was that he was a very jubilant professor, which left no dull moments, plus, all the girls attention was on him as this guy was also very good looking. After class, while walking in the corridor i had a feeling that everything will be alright from then on, but abruptly, I also felt like she didn't even payed attention to me. I suddenly realized that this was what i wanted from the very start. I thought it was all crazy and started confusing me, so i just tried moving on. This situation went on for as long as i can remember, so i told myself, i really have to confront her.. once again. Fortunately, there were no lame jokes that flew around the class on the first days -It just gradually developed as months passed. As days counted, all these happened while I was thinking whether i will approach her or not. But i cannot find any chance to do so making me stressed and more confused. These confusion grew stronger. While paying attention to the lectures, I was starting to link every joke in class as intended for me and my plan to confront her. It made me think that the allusions made in class were being referred to my futile attempts to approach her, making me delusional that I'm being paranoid. This situation grew worse, until I decided to just do it unpremeditatedly. However, even that took me days. While i was anticipating for the moment to talk to her, I noticed that as days passed she was becoming more gloomy in class. It made me assume she might be recognizing my awkwardness that i then suspected to be obvious. Then I also presumed that she might be realizing my attempts. Until one particular day, I cannot stand seeing her getting depressed anymore, i decided to inadvertently talk to her after class, but just when i was about to do it, I saw her wiping her eyes with her palm like she was crying. I paused beside my chair wondering if she was really crying or just acting out, or whether it was anything related about me. I was only thinking about the cause why she could be crying, and became stuck to only four possible causes, which i thought were; someone acted like a retard and decided to start picking on her, she knew what i was doing and felt really embarrassed and couldn't help but cry, she had a family problem, and lastly, she knew what i was planning and started acting up so that i won't advance. I thought whether to advance or not, but if i were to advance, would it do her any good? Of the four causes possible, i thought the third one i considered was the most difficult to converse with her because its a very personal matter. So i wondered whether i should put it off till later time or go on with my plan. If it was a retard picking on her, then she would be able to handle it herself, or so i believed. If she knew what i was doing and couldn't help crying, then I should just stop, but if she was just acting up then that's another story, -but only if she was using her theatrical skills- and if it was a family problem then i would refrain and postpone my deviant plans. Incidentally, I cannot keep myself from thinking she was just acting out and my body wasn't believing any of my other 'theories', leaving me, the whole class hour, into choosing between logic and speculation. When the class ended, there were few students left in the room including her, then she suddenly went out along with her friends to hang out in the corridor. I presumed it to be a "go" signal from her to walk up to her so after some "water testing", i went out side the room and sat on the window that was next to them. There was no apparent response to my bold gesture aside from them continuing what they were doing so i just went back to my seat. I thought I had the wrong presumption. As second semester came, during enrollment, I saw her sitting in the lobby. I was hearing some teasing in her place and so when she walked past beside me i called her name. She stopped in front of me and called my name in a loud half-cheerful way. I was surprised by her greeting so I wasn't able to tell her straight what i was going to say. I wanted to tell her I am sorry for making her cry even if i wasn't sure I was the reason for her tears. I said "I'm sorry," and then the most fearful stare was in her eyes looking at me. She asked me what I was sorry for, and i couldn't explain why I was sorry because I wasn't sure if I really was the reason why she cried. It was still in my mind. I wasn't able to keep up with my assignments and plates during that semester that i felt kind of lazy continuing the semester, making my grades landslide without my prior knowledge so i decided to drop the subjects. And when summer came i decided not to pursue with summer class as i might only fail it again and waste more time like my father suggested. I realized it's a big mistake i've done, but lessons also come from past mistakes and i think it wouldn't be so intelligible if I repeat the same mistakes over again. As for now, I just need to finish my semester. aside from trying to finish off my school then get a rolled paper, and perhaps a job maybe. I just have to finish my degree, and maybe take another work experience. My work experience last summer was great, although just for a short time, I learned a lot from it. As for what horoscopes say, they are just astrological readings of various people who interpret the movements and positions of the stars, you either believe it or you don't. I'd rather prefer the morals and values taught by the Bible. As for Jupiter, he's a roman god worshipped during the search for ancient Rome's origin. For me, it's more of the biggest planet in our solar system. As for my dad, he may be too smart sometimes, but he's the best dad i ever know. As for MJ, If we ever meet again, I'd be glad to talk with her even though I don't know what to say yet.

Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated